A long forgotten entry...

I recently tried to clean my Almirah of all the pile of papers that I have been stocking in for some time. Partially I did that because I wanted all of that well sorted for future but mainly because my limited space was blocked for any fresh garbage to pile. I usually don't throw anything because it takes effort, so garbage just keeps on piling in no matter of time. Then one fine day I collect all my spared effort and try to clean everything, almost vindictive and ruthless towards relics of my past. So, when I was cleaning this time I found something interesting, a diary which my father had given me during my 10th standard. That is the only diary I ever possessed, and even that is half full with useless information. Mostly it contains Board exam papers, chemical equations, probability theorem, some old budgets and old phone nos. (some of the friends whom I don't even remember now). But it also contains some of the writings by me during my last 2 years in school, scores of Rahul Dravid, and detailed movelists of chess series between Anand and Cosporov in my father's handwriting. My writings of that time generally are Ghazals and poems but it also contains my failed attempts of converting my thoughts in prose. One of the entries which I wrote during my 11^th standard really intrigued me. It goes like this:-

“I have a god-gift of intelligence. Well for me Intelligence is nothing but the way of thinking. Intelligence to me is the proper, planned & step-by-step method of thinking, just like systems. This method makes your work much faster & almost error free. But as my nature is I always find some or the other thing as drawback, in this case, intelligence doesn’t make you busy, or, in other words, leaves you with lots of spare time when others are busy. And it gives me boring days to battle alone. I can’t find my way out of this boredom…”

In my approach towards social obligations I changed a lot from those days. In fact during my engineering days I had given up on reasoning and intelligence for becoming a socially apt person. It is not to say that I didn’t have friends during my school days. I always had many friends but at the same time I was subject of ridicule, because of my nerdy character. My IQ demanded respect but I and my friends could never relate completely. I was popular because I was good, sober, and genuine, not because I could command respect. The first line I wrote I don’t use that anymore, not only because I am modest now but also because the extra performance pressure that will put on me.

But what is more interesting is to find out that I really could understand understanding at that time, I could understand reasoning itself. And still I don’t remember going through that phase as if somebody else have written it in my handwriting. But I am also happy about the fact that I am right when I tell people that I haven’t changed much in my approach towards reasoning. I was insane back then and I am insane even now…